Seasons Greetings and Merry Christmas, everyone! What? Too early for a Christmas post? Perhaps so, but Sean has been on Christmas vacation from preschool for almost a week already. (Extra long Christmas break! Yay! Right? … Right?) Anyway, we’ve really been living it up, the two of us. Sean’s been doing all the traditional Christmas stuff like:
File Photo from 2013. Too lazy to take baking pictures this year.
And, of course, the time-honored rummaging-through-the-recycling-and-adorning-himself-with-an-empty-Costco-flat-of-Diet-Coke-and-wearing-it-like-a-straight-jacket …
He looked really cute, waddling around in the Coke box … like a tiny, drunken vending machine. I couldn’t resist teasing him a bit, so I said, “Hey, Sean! If I stick a quarter in your mouth, maybe a Diet Coke will fall out of your butt.” That set him laughing, and Sean decided that he really liked the idea of being a vending machine. But four-year-olds find candy far more alluring than soda pop, so he took his vending machine self in a different direction.
Sean plucked a bunch of candy canes off the Christmas tree and tucked them into his pants. Then he waddled over to me and offered to sell me a tasty snack from his drawers. It was kind of hideous and adorable all at the same time, and you know what? It just kind of felt like a Teaching Moment. So, I did the responsible mom thing. I pulled a candy cane out of his “snack port,” and then we had a discussion. It went something like this:
ME: Okay, Sean. I’ll take a candy cane this time. But in future you should know that people don’t want to eat something that’s been in or around somebody’s crotch.
ME: Because they don’t want your giblets all over their food. It’s gross.
SEAN: I don’t mind.
ME: And while are on the subject, you know that if a stranger ever comes up to you and offers you candy from his pants, you need to say “no.” Right?
SEAN: Hmmmm …
ME: No “hmmmmm.” No candy from strangers. Ever. And especially no pants candy!
SEAN: Well … if it was those yummy, colored candy canes that I love I would.
ME: No! Not ANY kind of candy! Sean, strangers luring kids with candy are creepy and dangerous, and you will NOT take candy from them!
SEAN: What I was going to say was that I would take the candy and THEN I would kick him in the crotch and run away with my candy cane!
ME: Buh … I … you … NO!!!
I have failed, everyone. Failed. My kid is going to end up eating Skittles in a pit. I guess it’s time for yet another round of Stranger Danger training for Sean. He seems to be a little bit fuzzy on a few points. In the meantime I sure hope the mall Santa doesn’t offer Sean a candy cane. Things could get ugly.